Bar Jokes
Drunk Man |
David walks into the bar holding his head up high, goes over to the bartender and asks for a shot of whisky. After drinking his shot, he looks around for the biggest, meanest looking guy in the bar. He spots his victim, and walks over to his table grinning: "I had sex with your mother last night!" David says while he stares this man in the face. But the man offers no reaction. He looks over to the man's friends, who are also not entertained by this outburst. So David walks back to the bar: "Hey BarKeep, give me a double shot of whisky!" He drinks his drink, turns around, and walks back up to the same man: "Hey, last night, I fucked your mother so hard that she couldn't walk properly this morning!" David laughs...but still to his astonishment, the man again does not give in. David walks back to the bar, and asks the bartender for a triple shot of whisky. He drinks it, turns around, and walks back to the man's table: "Hey Buddy, last night as I was jamming your mother from the front, she demanded that I fuck her in the ass until it bled. Then she got on her knees and demanded that I slap her face with my penis until her face was red, then I"...the man finally interrupted "Dad can't you just leave me alone with my friends!!!!" |
Two Drunkards were trying to figure out how to get some alcohol for free.
They only had a dollar in change between them. "I've got it, follow me." said the first man.
They went to a hot dog stand and bought a dog and threw away the bun. "We'll go into a bar and order drinks, and when the bartender asks for money, I'll unzip my fly and pull out the hot dog. You drop to your knees and pretend to suck me off."
The second man agrees to this and they start thier rounds.
When they get to the bar, they sit down and have a beer.
The bartender tells them, "That will be 3 dollars."
The first man stands up and upzips his fly. The second man drops to his knees and starts sucking on the hot-dog.
"You faggots!", screams the bartender. "Get the hell out of here!"
They run out and go to another bar and order drinks and when the bartender asks for money, the first man unzips his fly, and the second man drops to his knees.
The bartender throws them out.
After the sixth bar the second man complains, "Man this isn't working out so well, My knees are killing me!"
"You think you've had it bad..", the first man exclaims. "I lost the hotdog 4 bars ago!"
The Driver with Police Officer |
One night, a police officer was stalking out a particularly rowdy bar for possible violations of the driving under the influence laws. At closing time, he saw a fellow stumble out of the bar, trip on the curb, and try his keys on five different cars before he found his. Then, sat in the front seat fumbling around with his keys for several minutes. Everyone left the bar and drove off. Finally, he started his engine and began to pull away. The police officer was waiting for him. He stopped the driver, read him his rights and administered the Breathalyzer test. The results showed a reading of 0.0. The puzzled officer demanded to know how that could be. The driver replied, "Tonight, I'm the Designated Decoy." |
Pet Monkey and his Master |
A guy walks into a bar with his pet monkey. He orders a drink and while he's drinking, the monkey starts jumping all over the place. The monkey grabs some olives off the bar and eats them, then grabs some sliced limes and eats them,then jumps up on the pool table, grabs the cue ball, sticks it in his mouth and swallows it whole. The bartender screams at the guy, "Did you see what your monkey just did?" The guy says, "No, what?" "He just ate the cue ball off my pool table - whole!" says the bartender. "Yeah, that doesn't surprise me," replies the patron. "He eats everything in sight, the little twerp. I'll pay for the cue ball and stuff." He finishes his drink, pays his bill, and leaves. Two weeks later he's in the bar again, and he has his monkey with him. He orders a drink and the monkey starts running around the bar again. While the man is drinking, the monkey finds a maraschino cherry on the bar. He grabs it, sticks it up his butt, pulls it out, and eats it. The bartender is disgusted. "Did you see what your monkey did now?" "Now what?" asks the patron. "Well, he stuck a maraschino cherry up his butt, then pulled it out and ate it!" says the barkeeper. "Yeah, that doesn't surprise me," replies the patron. "He still eats everything in sight, but ever since he ate that damn cue ball he measures everything first!" |
Drink Thief |
This guy is sitting inside a bar, just looking at his drink. He stays like that for half-an-hour. Then, this big trouble-making bully steps next to him, takes the drink from the guy, and just drinks it all down. The poor man starts crying. The bully says: ''Come on man, I was just joking. Tell ya what, I'll buy you another drink. I just can't see a man crying.'' ''No, it's not that. Today day is the worst of my life. First, I overslept and was late to an important meeting. My boss was outrageous and fired me. When I left the building to my car, I found out it was stolen. The police said they could do nothing. I got a cab to return home, paid the cab driver, and the cab drove off. It was then I found that I left my wallet in the cab. I finally got home only to find my wife was in bed with another man. I left home and came to this bar. And when I was thinking about putting an end to my life, you show up and drink my poison...'' |