Doctor Jokes
In The HospitalA man is lying in a hospital bed with an oxygen mask over his face. A young nurse's aide appears to sponge his face and hands.
"Nurse," he mumbles from behind the mask, "are my testicles black?"
Embarrassed, the young aide replies, "I don't know. I'm only here to wash your hands and face."
Again, he struggles to ask, "Nurse, are my testicles black?"
Once more, the aide replies, "I don't know. I'm only here to wash your hands and face."
The Head Nurse was passing and noticed the man was becoming a little distraught, so she approached his bed to find out what was wrong.
Seeing her, the man mumbled again, "Nurse, are my testicles black?"
Being a nurse of longstanding, she was undaunted. She quickly pulled back the bedclothes, pulled down his pajama bottom, moved his penis out of the way, had a good look, pulled up his pajamas, pulled the bedclothes back up and announced, "There's nothing wrong with them!"
At this, the man pulled of his oxygen mask and again asked, "Are my test results back??"
An old man goes to his doctor |
An old man goes to his doctor, complaining about a pain in his left leg that doesn't heal and wants a diagnosis and explanation. The doctor checks out his leg, but can't find anything wrong. So he gives the old guy a full physical exam, and still can't come up with any possible explanation for the pain. The doctor hands the patient his bill and says, "I'm sorry, but the pain in your leg is simply caused by old age, there's nothing I can do about it." The old man replies with a look of disbelief, "That's impossible! It is illogical! That just can't be!" The doctor says, "What do you mean? I'm the expert here; if you know so much, how can you say it's NOT old age?" The patient answers, "I'm no doctor, but it doesn't take a medical degree to tell that your diagnosis is wrong. Clearly you're mistaken. After all, my right leg feels just fine." "So what?" says the doctor in a bit of a professional huff, "What difference does that make?" "Well the right one doesn't hurt a bit, and it's exactly the SAME AGE!" |
A man, carrying a very limp dog, entered the veterinary clinic. As he lay the dog on the table, the vet took out his stethoscope and placed the receptor on the dog's chest.
He listened for a moment or two, shook his head sadly and said, "I'm sorry, sir, but your dog has passed away."
"What?" screamed the man. "How can you tell? You haven't even done any tests on him. I demand a second opinion!"
With that, the vet turned and left the room, returning a few moments later with a Labrador Retriever. The Retriever went right to work and checked the poor dead dog out thoroughly. After a considerable amount of sniffing, the Retriever sadly shook its head and barked.
The vet then took the dog out and returned a few moments later with a cat, who also checked out the poor dog on the table.
As had his predecessors, the cat sadly shook its head, meowed, jumped off the table and ran out of the room.
The vet handed the man a bill for $650. The dog's owner went postal and screamed, "$650! Just to tell me my dog's dead! This is outrageous!"
The vet shook his head sadly and explained, "Sir, had you taken my word for it, the cost would have been $50, but with the lab work and the cat scan....."
Try To Relax
A man was feeling very stressed out, so he decided to take a hot bath.
Just as he got comfortable in the tub, the doorbell rang. He got out of the tub, put on his slippers and robe and went to the door, only to find a salesman selling brushes. Slamming the door, the man returned to the bath.
As soon as he settled in, the doorbell rang again. On went the slippers and the robe, and he started for the door. He took one step, slipped on a wet spot, fell backward, and hit his back against the tub.
Cursing under his breath, he struggled into his street clothes, called a taxi, and headed to his doctor's office.
After examining him, the doctor said, "You know, you're very lucky. You could have suffered a serious injury but, fortunately, nothing is broken. What you really need to do is try to relax. Why don't you go home and take a nice, long, hot bath?"
In the Mental Institution
In a mental institution, a nurse making rounds walks into a room and sees a patient acting as if he's driving a car. The nurse asks him, "Charlie! What are you doing?" Charlie replied, "Can't talk right now.... I'm driving to Chicago!" The nurse wishes him a good trip and leaves the room.
The next day the nurse enters Charlie's room just as he stops driving his imaginary car and asks, "Well Charlie, how you doing?" Charlie says, "I'm exhausted, I just got into Chicago and I need some rest." "That's great," replied the nurse, "I'm glad you had a safe trip."
The nurse leaves Charlie's room, and then goes across the hall into Bob's room, and finds Bob sitting on his bed masturbating vigorously. With surprise she asks, "Bob what are you doing!" To which Bob replies, "I'm screwing Charlie's wife - he's in Chicago!"