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Useless in the Parking Lot

A woman was at work when she received a phone call that her daughter was very sick with a fever. She left her work and stopped by the pharmacy to get some medication for her daughter. When returning to her car she found that she had locked herkeys in the car. She was in a hurry to get home to her sick daughter. She didn't know what to do, so she called her home and told the baby sitter what had happened and that she did not know what to do. The baby sitter told her that her daughter was getting worse. She said, "You might find a coat hanger and use that to open the door." The woman looked around and found an old rusty coat hanger that had been thrown down on the ground, possibly by someone else who at some time or other had locked their keys in their car. Then she looked at the hanger and said, "I don't know how to use this." So she bowed her head and asked God to send her some help. Within five minutes an old rusty car pulled up, with a dirty, greasy, bearded man who was wearing an old biker skull rag on his head. The woman thought, "This is what you sent to help me?" But, she was desperate, so she was also very thankful. The man got out of his car and asked her if he could help. She said, "Yes, my daughter is very sick. I stopped to get her some medication and I locked my keys in my car. I must get home to her. Please, can you use this hanger to unlock my car?" He said, "Sure". He walked over to the car, and in less than one minute the car was opened. She hugged the man and through her tears she said, "Thank you so much! You are a very nice man." The man replied, "Lady, I am not a nice man. I just got out of prison today. I was in prison for car theft and have only been out for about an hour." The woman hugged the man again and with sobbing tears cried out loud, "Oh, Thank you God! You even sent me a Professional!"

She hasn't a lick of sense
A man goes to his doctor for his annual physical complaining of all kinds of mysterious ailments -- lack of sleep, no drive, very little appetite, nervous, etc. After a complete exam, the doctor can find nothing physically wrong and suspects the man is suffering from depression. The two had been friends for many years, so the doctor did not hesitate to ask the man about his personal life.

"Well, if you must know," said the patient, "I cannot stand my wife. She's made my life unbearable. I fantasize all the time about killing that damn witch. In fact, if you are truly my friend, you'll give me some kind of untraceable poison to give her, so I may end my misery."

The doctor explained that not only was that illegal, it would in fact, violate his oath to save lives. He said, "Besides, you'll get life in prison yourself, at best. I'll tell ya what though, I can give you this powerful aphrodisiac to slip into her coffee. You can then 'love her to death'. No jury in the world is going to convict a man for loving his wife too much. She'll be gone in a month at best."

The man blessed the doctor, went home and started putting the love elixir in his wife's coffee the very next morning. Three weeks later, the doctor hasn't heard a word from his friend, and becomes concerned. After office hours, he stops by his friend's house to see if all is well. He finds his friend sitting on the sun deck, wrapped in a blanket, even though it's a warm Spring day. The man's face was gaunt and pale, he'd lost Lord knows how much weight,and looked terrible. The doctor asked, "What the Hell happened "

The man said, "I followed your advice to the letter. That woman and I made love like a pair of crazed rabbits, day and nite." Then, he chuckled, causing a terrible wheeze. Just then the wife appeared from inside the house. All slim and trim and dressed in tennis clothes; smiling, she said she was off for a few sets of tennis. As she leaped into her new sports car, her husband cackled and said to the doctor, "Look at that dumb crazy bitch. She hasn't a lick of sense. If she only knew she has less than a week to live she wouldn't be so God damn frisky."

Sherlock holmes and Dr. Watson
Sherlock Holmes and Dr Watson went on a camping trip. After a good meal and a bottle of wine, they lay down for the night and went to sleep.

Some hours later, Holmes awoke and nudged his faithful friend. "Watson, look up at thesky and tell me what you see"

Watson replied, "I see millions and millions of stars"

"What does that tell you?" enquired Holmes.

Watson pondered for a minute. "Astronomically, it tells me that there are millions of galaxies and potentially billions of planets.

Astrologically, I observe that Saturn is in Leo.

Horologically, I deduce that the time is approximately a quarter past three.

Theologically, I can see that God is all powerful and that we are small and insignificant.

Meteorologically, I suspect that we will have a beautiful clear day tomorrow. What does it tell YOU?"

Holmes was silent for a minute, then spoke. "Watson, you idiot, some bastard has stolen our tent."

The Pope on tour
The Pope has just finished a tour of Napa Valley and is taking a limousine to San Francisco. Having never driven a limo, the Pope asks the chauffeur if he might drive for a while. Well, the chauffeur doesn't have much choice, so he climbs in the back of the limo and the Pope takes the wheel.

The Pope proceeds down Silverado, and starts accelerating to see what the limo can do. He gets to about 90 mph, and suddenly he sees the red and blue lights of a CHP cruiser in his mirror. He pulls over and the trooper comes to his window.

The trooper, seeing who it is, says, "Just a moment please, I need to call in."

The trooper calls in and asks for the Chief. He tells the Chief that he's got a REALLY important person pulled over, and asks how to handle it.

"It's not Ted Kennedy again, is it?" asks the Chief.

"No Sir!" replies the trooper, "This guy's more important."

"Is it the governor?"

"No! Even more important!"

"Is it the PRESIDENT?"

"No! Even more important!"

"Well, WHO THE HECK is it?" screams the Chief.

"I don't know, Sir," replies the trooper, "But he's got the Pope as his chauffeur!

Mafia and The Deaf Man
The mafia was looking for a new man to make weekly collections from all the private businesses they were 'protecting'. Feeling the heat from the police, they decided to use a deaf person for the job. That way, should he get caught, he would be unable to communicate to the police what he was doing.

During his first week on the job, the deaf collector picks up over $60,000. He quickly becomes greedy, decides to keep the money and hides it in a safe place. Realizing that their collection is late, the mafia sends some of their hoods after the deaf collector. The hoods find the deaf man and ask him where the money is. Since the deaf collector is unable to communicate with them, they drag him to an interpreter.

The mafia hood tells the interpreter, "Ask him where da money is." The interpreter signs "Where's the money?" to the deaf man.

The deaf man signs back, "I don't know what you're talking about."

The interpreter says to the hood, "He says he doesn't know what you're talking about."

The hood takes out a pistol, places it in the deaf collector's ear and says, "NOW, ask him where da money is."

Again the interpreter signs, "Where's the money?"

The deaf man signs, "The $60,000 is in Central Park. It's hidden in the fifth tree stump on the left from the West 78th Street gate."

The interpreter turns to the hood and says, "He says he still doesn't know what you're talking about and doesn't think you have the guts to pull the trigger!"