Blonde Jokes
Horseback riding |
A blonde decides to try horseback riding, even though she has had no lessons or prior experience. She mounts the horse unassisted and the horse immediately springs into motion. It gallops along at a steady and rhythmic pace, but the blonde begins to slip from the saddle. In terror, she grabs for the horse's mane, but cannot seem to get a frim grip. She tries to throw her arms around the horse's neck, but she slides down the side of the horse anyway. The horse gallops along, seemingly impervious to its slipping rider. Finally, giving up her frail grip, she leaps away from the horse to try and throw herself to safety. Unfortunately, her foot has become entangled in the stirrup and she is now at the mercy of the horse's pounding hooves as her head is struck against the ground again and again. As her head is battered against the ground, she is mere moments away from unconsciousness when...... The Wal-Mart manager runs out to shut off the horse! |
The blonde reported for her University final examination which consists of "yes/no" type questions.
She takes her seat in the examination hall, stares at the question paper for five minutes, and then in a fit of inspiration takes her purse out, removes a coin and starts tossing the coin and marking the answer sheet - Yes for Heads and No for Tails.
Within a half an hour, she is all done whereas the rest of the class is sweating it out.
During the last few minutes, she is seen desperately throwing the coin, swearing and sweating.
The moderator, alarmed, approaches her and asks what is going on.
"I finished the exam in half an hour. But, " she says, "I am rechecking my answers."
Blonde Bird Question |
The Bird Question A blonde named Pam is appearing on "Who Wants To Be A Millionaire" with Regis Philbin. Regis: "Pam, you're up to $500,000 with one lifeline left: phone a friend. If you get it right, the next question is worth one million dollars. If you get it wrong, you drop back to $32,000. Are you ready?" Pam: "Yes." Regis: "Which of the following birds does not build its own nest? Is it - A) robin, B) sparrow, C) cuckoo, or D) thrush." Pam: "I'd like to phone a friend. I'd like to call Carol." Carol (also a blonde) answers the phone: "Hello?" Regis: "Hello Carol, it's Regis Philbin from Who Wants to be a Millionaire. I have your friend Pam here who needs your help to answer the one million dollar question. The next voice you hear will be Pam's..." Pam: "Carol, which of the following birds does not build it's own nest? Is it - A) robin, B) sparrow, C) cuckoo, or D) thrush." Carol: "Oh geez, Pam. That's simple. It's a cuckoo." Pam: "Are you sure?" Carol: "I'm sure." Regis: "Pam, you heard Carol. Do you keep the $500,000 or play for the million?" Pam: "I want to play; I'll go with C) cuckoo." Regis:" Is that your final answer?" Pam: "Yes." Regis: "Are you confident?" Pam: "Yes; I think Carol's pretty smart." Regis: "You said C) cuckoo... And you're right! Congratulations, you have just won ONE MILLION DOLLARS!" To celebrate, Pam flies Carol to New York. That night they go out on the town. As they're sipping champagne, Pam looks at Carol and asks her," Tell me, how did you know that it was the cuckoo that does not build its own nest?" "Pam, it was easy," replies her (blonde?) friend. "Everybody knows that cuckoos live in clocks." |
Blonde Jokes |
How can you tell if a blonde has been using the computer? There is white-out on the monitor. How do you make a blonde's eyes twinkle? Shine a flashlight in their ear. What does a blonde owl say? What, what? Why did the blonde scale the chain-link fence? To see what was on the other side. Why did the blonde have tire tread marks on her back? From crawling across the street when the sign said "DON'T WALK". Why did the blonde keep a coat hanger in her back seat? In case she locks the keys in her car. Why did the blonde tip-toe past the medicine cabinet? So she wouldn't wake up the sleeping pills. Why did the blonde drive into the ditch? To turn the blinker off. Why did the blonde try and steal a police car? She saw "911" on the back and thought it was a Porsche. What does a blond and a beer bottle have in common? They're both empty from the neck up. How do you get a blond out of a tree? Wave . What do peroxide blonds and black men have in common? They both have black roots. Why did the blonde get so excited after she finished her jigsaw puzzle in only 6 months? Because on the box it said From 2-4 years. A blonde is walking down the street with a pig under her arm. She passes a person who asks "Where did you get that?" The pig says, "I won her in a raffle!" A blonde ordered a pizza and the clerk asked if he should cut it in six or twelve pieces. "Six, please. I could never eat twelve pieces." How do you confuse a blonde? Ask her to alphabetize a bag of M&Ms. Why does it work? "Does 3 come before E or does it go between M and W?" Why did the blonde call the welfare office? She wanted to know how to cook food stamps! Did you hear about the blond skydiver? She missed the Earth! Where do blondes go to meet their relatives? The vegetable garden. Did you hear about the blonde couple that were found frozen to death in their car at a drive-in movie theater? They went to see "Closed for the Winter". Why is the blonde's brain the size of a pea in the morning? It swells at night. What did the blonde do when she heard that 90% of accidents occur around the home? She moved. What's five miles long and has an IQ of forty? A blonde parade. Why is it okay for blondes to catch cold? They don't have to worry about blowing their brains out. What do you call four Blondes in a Volkswagon? Far-from-thinkin. What happened to the blonde tap dancer? She slipped off and fell down the drain. What did the blonde say when she looked into a box of Cheerios? "Oh look! Donut seeds!" What did the blonde name her pet zebra? Spot. What's a blonds' favourite rock group? Air Supply. Whats black and fuzzy and hangs from the ceiling? A blond electrician. Why are dumb blonde jokes so short? So brunettes can remember them. Did you hear about the blonde coyote? Got stuck in a trap, chewed off three legs and was still stuck. When is it legal to shoot a blonde in the head? When you have a tire pump to reinflate it! What is a blonde's favorite part of a gas station? The Air Pump! What goes VROOM, SCREECH,VROOM, SCREECH,VROOM, SCREECH? A blonde going through a flashing red light. What is the definition of gross ignorance? 144 blondes. |
Blonde painting the porch |
Julie, the blonde, was getting pretty desperate for money. She decided to go to the nicer, richer neighborhoods around town and look for odd jobs as a handy woman. The first house she came to, a man answered the door and told Julie, "Yeah, I have a job for you. How would you like to paint the porch?" "Sure that sounds great!" said Julie. "Well, how much do you want me to pay you?" asked the man. "Is fifty bucks alright?" Julie asked. "Yeah, great. You'll find the paint and ladders you'll need in the garage." The man went back into his house to his wife who had been listening. "Fifty bucks! Does she know the porch goes all the way around the house?" asked the wife. "Well she must, she was standing right on it!" her husband replied. About 45 minutes later, Julie knocked on the door. "I'm all finished," she told the surprised homeowner. The man was amazed. "You painted the whole porch?" "Yeah," Julie replied, "I even had some paint left, so I put on two coats!" The man reached into his wallet to pay Julie. "Oh, and by the way," said Julie, "That's not a Porch, it's a Ferrari." |