Computer
Letter for my husband |
To My Darling Husband, I'm sending you this letter in a bogus software company envelope so you'll be sure to read it. Please forgive the deception, but I thought you should know what's been going on since your computer entered our lives two years ago. The children are doing well. Tommy is 7 now and is a bright, Handsome boy. He has developed quite an interest in the arts. He drew a family portrait for a school project. All the figures were good but yours was excellent! The chair and back of your head are very realistic. You would be proud of him. Little Jennifer turned 3 in September. She looks a lot like you did at that age. She is an attractive child and quite smart. She still remembers that you spent the whole afternoon with us on her birthday. What a grand day for Jen, despite the fact that it was stormy and the electricity was out. I discovered that the household chores are much easier since I realized that you didn't mind being vacuumed and that the feather duster made you sneeze. The house is in good shape. I had the living room painted last spring. I'm not sure if you noticed it. I asked the painters to cut air holes in the drop cloths so you wouldn't be disturbed. Well dear, I must be going. The family is leaving on a ski trip and there is much packing to do. I've hired a house-keeper to take care of things while we are away. She'll keep things in order, fill your coffee cup and bring your meals to the computer room just the way you like it. I hope you and the computer have a lovely time while we are gone. Tommy, Jen and I think of you often. Try to remember us while your disks are booting. Love, Mary |
The Smoking Power Supply |
I used to work in a computer store and one day we had a gentleman call in with a smoking power supply. The service representative was having a bit of trouble convincing this guy that he had a hardware problem. Service Rep: Sir, something has burned within your power supply. Customer: I bet that there is some command that I can put into the AUTOEXEC.BAT file that will take care of this. Service Rep: There is nothing that software can do to help you with this problem. Customer: I know that there is something I can put in... some command... maybe it should go into the CONFIG.SYS. [After a few minutes of going round and round] Service Rep: Okay, I am not supposed to tell anyone this but there is a hidden command in some versions of DOS that you can use. I want you to edit your AUTOEXEC.BAT and add the last line as C:DOSNOSMOKE and reboot your computer. [Customer does this] Customer: It is still smoking. Service Rep: I guess you'll need to call Microsoft and ask them for a patch for the NOSMOKE.EXE. [The customer then hung up. We thought that we had heard the last of this guy. But NO; he calls back four hours later!] Service Rep: Hello, Sir, how is your computer? Customer: I called Microsoft and they said that my power supply is incompatible with their NOSMOKE.EXE and that I need to get a new one. I was wondering when I can have that done and how much it will cost.... |
South African Edition Of Windows 98 |
It has come to our attention that a few copies of the New South African edition of Windows 98 may have accidentally been shipped outside South Africa. If you have one of the New South African editions you may need some help understanding the commands. The New South African edition may be recognized by looking at the opening screen. It reads "E WINDOWS 98" with a background picture of a Mageu bottle superimposed on a Orlando Pirates flag. It is shipped with a Black Label screen saver. New Features: OK = samblief Cancel = Aikona Undo = auk! mistake! Redo = aikona, not mistake! Save = Ekke ek bere hom find = Ekke ek soek hom help = ah dunno start = stat settings = (pre-set on this edition) run = hamba personal folder = my thieengs Shut Down = Chaila Some programs that are exclusive to "E Windows 98" MS Werd = a word processor calculata = calculator scratch peppa = notepad Jive Box = CD player I Explora = Microsoft Internet Explorer piktchas = a graphics viewer Stockvel = M/S accounting software Shebeen = Shortcut to a website with a list of local off-sales and their prices. Black Label tax records = usually an empty file Fafi = game replacing Solitaire We regret any inconvenience it may have cause if you received a copy of the New South African edition. You may return it to Microsoft for a replacement version. |
An actual dialogue |
An actual dialogue of a former Customer Care Support employee... "Ridge Hall Computer Assistance, may I help you? "Yes, well I'm having trouble with WordPerfect" "What sort of trouble?" "Well, I was just typing along and all of a sudden the words went away". "Went away?" "Yes, they disappeared". "Hmmmm, So what does your screen look like now?" "NOthing" "Nothing??" "It's blank; it won't accept anything when I type." "Are you still in WordPerfect or did you get out?" "How do I tell?" "Can you see the C: prompt on the screen?" "What's a sea prompt?" "Never mind, can you move your cursor around the screen?" "There isn't any cursor. I told you, it won't accept anything I type." "Does your monitor have a power indicator?" "What's a monitor?" "It's the thing with a screen that looks like a TV." Look on the back of the monitor and find where the power cord goes into it. Can you see that?" "Yes, I think so." "Great, follow the cord to the plug, and tell me if it's plugged into the wall." "Yes, it is." "Does the monitor have a little light that tells you when it's on?" "I don't know." "When you were behind the monitor, did you notice that there were two cables plugged into the back of it, not just one?" "No." "Well, there are. I need you to look back there again and find the other cable." "Okay, here it is." "Follow it for me, and tell me if it's plugged securely into the back of your computer." "I can't reach". "Uh, huh, well, can you see if it is?" "No" "Even if you maybe put your knee on something and lean way over?" "Oh, it's not because I don't have the right angle - it's because it's dark." "Dark???" "Yes - the office light is off, and the only light I have is coming in from the window." "Well, turn on the office light then." "I can't." "No? Why not?" "Because there is a power failure." "A power... A power failure? Aha, Okay, we've got it licked now. Do you still have the boxes and manuals and packing stuff your computer came in>" "Well, yes, I keep them in the closet." "Good, Go get them, and unplug your system and pack it up just like it was when you got it. Then take it back to the store you bought it from." "Really? Is it that bad?" "Yes, I'm afraid it is." "Well, all right then, I suppose. What do I tell them??" "Tell them you're too stupid to own a computer." |
How is Computer better than a Woman ? |
A computer can wait forever for you. A computer doesn't compare you with it's past users. A computer doesn't get calls from it's past users while you're logged in. Computers do everything you tell them to. A computer won't look through your checkbook. Computers don't get upset if you use other computers. Computers don't play head games unless you ask them to A computer won't grade you on how much you send it. A computer is big in all the right places. A computer won't fall in love with you just because you have sex. A computer doesn't tell you how terrific it's past users have been. A computer won't ask, "Are you in?" A computer won't ask, "Is there another computer?" A computer doesn't mind how excited you get. A computer won't say, "Let's just be friends." The average computer session lasts four hours. A computer won't even talk about marriage. A computer won't get bitchy if you're slow to respond. A computer won't mind how many other accounts you have, or if you keep getting new ones. A computer won't shave with your razor. A computer doesn't cross-examine you every time you log in. Computers are easy to turn on. Computers are ready when you are. Computers are very responsive. Computers don't insist on foreplay. Computers don't get pregnant. Computers aren't into finding out how far you'll go to keep your account. Computers don't care about age differences. Computers don't care if you're married. Computers don't make you meet their parents. Computers don't mind if you share them with a friend. Computers don't mind spending hours on the phone with you. Computers never ask you to call them in the morning. Size doesn't count to a computer. You can log into several computers at once. You can visit a computer any time you like, and it'll be ready for you. Computers never have headaches or have that time of the month. Computers won't mind if you don't like their friends. With a computer, you never have to say you're sorry. If you don't like the feel of one terminal you can easily switch to another . If you don't like the feel of one terminal you can easily switch to another . You don't have to tell computers you love them. You can turn off a computer. |